Shopping Blues

A man was observing a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out. "When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.

"The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

Abnormality Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the critera was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Murphy - Nuts

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him.

All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!"

Pathetic Frog

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline for advice. The Psychic tells him:"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.
"The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

An aid by a Hearing Aid

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.

"The gentleman replied, " Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Funny Language!!

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

I'm darned if I know... Do you?

Colour Code of Wedding Dress

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Its a Puppy!

Three women were sitting in an obstetrician's waiting room for their appointments. The redhead announces proudly, "I'm going to have a boy!"
"How do you know?" one of the others asked.
"I was on top, so I'm going to have a boy."
The brunette says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl!"
"How do you know?" the others ask.
"I was on the bottom, so I'll have a girl."
With that, they turn to look at the blonde -- who promptly bursts into tears.
What's wrong? the others ask.
The blonde looks up and cries, "I'm going to have a puppy!"

Clothes Mania

Q: How does an Indian girl commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Drown a Girl

Q: How do you drown a girl?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Alarm Clock

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Passion for Maths

Women have a Passion for Mathematics. They divide their age in half; Double the price of their clothes; Always add at least 5 years to the age of their Best Friend!

Open Heart(Valve) Surgery :)

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harleymotorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question? "The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix them, put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

Between wife and gun

What is the difference between a wife and gun?
ANSWER : You can share your GUN with Friends not the wife !! : ) !!

Happy Hell

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband.""Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."

Kind Gesture

A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park.His father impressed by his son's kindness, gave him the dollar. "There you are my son," said the father. "But, tell me, isn't the little lady able to work any more? "She sells candy" was the boy's reply.

Custody of Baby Bear

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear. The judge asks the baby bear; "do you want to live with papa bear?" The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mummy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

What is Confidence?

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilotless Technology: “It is an unmanned Aircraft.” Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their Company's Software is running the Aircraft's Automatic Pilot System.

Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the Aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse!!One CEO alone remains on board the Jet, seeming very calm indeed....!Asked why he is so Confident in this first unmanned flight, he replies: "If it is the same Software that's developed by my Company's IT systems department, this Plane won't even Take Off!!!" That is called Confidence!!!

An Englishman, A Canadian & An American

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured byterrorists.The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will beallowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talkabout."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and serviceto the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question ofnational purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish totalk about the history of constitutional process in Canada,special status, distinct society and uniqueness withindiversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian startstalking."

Ant & Elephant Joke

An elephant was discharged from an hospital after an operation, on the way he met his friend Ant, the ant said something to the elephant, on hearing that the elephant fainted, what was that? - It said "I only gave blood for your operation".

W I F E meaning

Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of WIFE.
It means…Without Information Fighting Everytime!
WIFE says No, it means – With Idiot For Ever

Wife Wanted

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

I Don't Know the Answer

Two star college football players had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game.  After a lot of begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again.  They took the test, and turned it in.

The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests.  She checked over the first test, then over the second test.  Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests.
The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated.

"How?" the coach demanded.

The teacher showed him answer number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test.  The answer read 'I don't know.'

"That proves nothing." said the coach.

So the teacher handed him the second test.  The answer to number 6 read 'I don't know either.'

Superstar Rajinikanth Factfile - Hillarious!

If you do not know who is Rajinikanth, read below.