The Herberts were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Hebert kissed his wife and said,
"I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Hebert cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the livingroom floor is fun too. You can really spread out !"
Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for my husband and me."
Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of...."
Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that.
I'm sure." Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it."
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his Baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
Wife - "Oh my god!"
Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Wife - "She was difficult?"
Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,pushing to get a good look."
Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes wide in amazement).
Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your....equipment?"
Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"
Wife - "Tripod?"
Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long....Madam ........... Madam ?
Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wasted adaptation - A yound camel's query
A young camel was bored one day and started asking his mother questions.
"Why do we have large three toed feet?"
"So we don't sink while walking in the soft sands of the desert," his mother replied.
"Why do we have long eyelashes?" was the next question.
"To stop the sand of the desert storms getting in our eyes," was the exasperated reply.
"Why do we have a large hump on our back?"
"So we can cross the many miles of desert without needing water," his mother snapped.
"So what the hell are we doing in this zoo?"
"Why do we have large three toed feet?"
"So we don't sink while walking in the soft sands of the desert," his mother replied.
"Why do we have long eyelashes?" was the next question.
"To stop the sand of the desert storms getting in our eyes," was the exasperated reply.
"Why do we have a large hump on our back?"
"So we can cross the many miles of desert without needing water," his mother snapped.
"So what the hell are we doing in this zoo?"
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Smart Foot
How Smart Is Your Right Foot ?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And even if you keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot... you can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
Make sure you pass this on to your friends...
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And even if you keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot... you can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
Make sure you pass this on to your friends...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
What a normal person would do?
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the tea cup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket, as it is larger than the spoon and the cup."
"No" said the director - A normal person would........
"A normal person would pull the plug and let the water flow out"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the tea cup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket, as it is larger than the spoon and the cup."
"No" said the director - A normal person would........
"A normal person would pull the plug and let the water flow out"
Monday, June 20, 2011
Some words and its meaning
TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.
SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Top SMS
3rd Best SMS:
Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens.
2nd Best SMS:
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.
Top SMS:
How amazing!! - A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 mins.
Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens.
2nd Best SMS:
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.
Top SMS:
How amazing!! - A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 mins.
Car insurance
The man wanted to buy some insurance for his car, so he went to the insurance company and asked for the list.
First there was anti-fire, which has a $200 premium. Then, there was anti-theft, which had a $150 premium. At the end, he noticed that there was a anti-fire and anti-theft policy for only $50!
So, he asked the receptionist, 'Why in the world do you price the policy for two problems less than that for one problem?'
So, the receptionist replied, 'Because nobody steals a burnt car.'
First there was anti-fire, which has a $200 premium. Then, there was anti-theft, which had a $150 premium. At the end, he noticed that there was a anti-fire and anti-theft policy for only $50!
So, he asked the receptionist, 'Why in the world do you price the policy for two problems less than that for one problem?'
So, the receptionist replied, 'Because nobody steals a burnt car.'
Friday, June 17, 2011
Message uncoded
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.
Cpt. Moshe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.
Cpt. Moshe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Credit card customer service
This funny incident with Customer Service of a popular bank was picked from the net.
Check the heights of Customer Service...
My Aunt died this past January.
XxxxBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service
Charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00.. now was somewhere around $60.00
I placed the following phone call to XxxxBank:
The conversation….
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
XxxxBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
XxxxBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
XxxxBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
XxxxBank: "...excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you...the part about her being dead?"
XxxxBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
XxxxBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
XxxxBank: ..(stammer)... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
XxxxBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure."
(Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax)
XxxxBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
XxxxBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help"
Me: "Well...if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I suppose...I don't really think she will care!"
XxxxBank: "Well... the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
(What the…!!)
XxxxBank: "That might help."
Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129 and plot number given."
XxxxBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!!"
XxxxBank Hung Up!!!~*~
P.S: (Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die......)
Check the heights of Customer Service...
My Aunt died this past January.
XxxxBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service
Charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00.. now was somewhere around $60.00
I placed the following phone call to XxxxBank:
The conversation….
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
XxxxBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
XxxxBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
XxxxBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
XxxxBank: "...excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you...the part about her being dead?"
XxxxBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
XxxxBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
XxxxBank: ..(stammer)... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
XxxxBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure."
(Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax)
XxxxBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
XxxxBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help"
Me: "Well...if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I suppose...I don't really think she will care!"
XxxxBank: "Well... the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
(What the…!!)
XxxxBank: "That might help."
Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129 and plot number given."
XxxxBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!!"
XxxxBank Hung Up!!!~*~
P.S: (Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die......)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Lab Test
Two guys were sitting outside a clinic.
One of them was crying like anything, so the other asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid?"
First one replied,"No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked other,
"Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
One of them was crying like anything, so the other asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid?"
First one replied,"No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked other,
"Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
How to impress a woman or a man!
To impress a WOMAN
How to Impress a MAN
JUST SMILE ONCE AND HE'S YOURS
- Compliment her
- Respect her
- Honor her,
- Cuddle her,
- Caress her,
- Love her,
- Comfort her,
- Protect her,
- Hold her,
- Spend money on her,
- Wine and dine her,
- Buy things for her,
- Listen to her,
- Care for her,
- Stand by her,
- Support her,
- Hold her,
- Go to the ends of the Earth for her.
How to Impress a MAN
JUST SMILE ONCE AND HE'S YOURS
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