Life sentence

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."

Expensive

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive' ... I took her to a petrol station ...

Corporate life

Family planning advice

Common advice

Dreadful quotes

	The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
	I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
	She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
	A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
	The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
	No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
	A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
	A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
	Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
	Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
	A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
	Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
	Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I'll go on a head”.
	I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
	A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
	A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
	A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
	Two ducks were crossing the road in Belfast. One looked back at the other and said “Quack, quack”. The other said “Ah cain't goo any quacker”.
	It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
	The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
	The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
	A backward poet writes inverse.
	In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
	When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
	Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Watching wedding video

I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'. I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

Valentine's day dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.
What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled,
"The meaning of dreams"

Depressed Man

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

Head Mower

Human life span

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

“Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said: “That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said: “That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.”

But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay”, said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Intelligent proposal

HOW did an Intelligent BOY PROPOSE to a Girl.

He TOOK the Girl ALONG with him on a BOAT & in the MIDDLE of River said: "LOVE ME or LEAVE the BOAT."

Fuel Price Hike

Practial failure

Girl: What if a boy hugs me?
Mom: Say Don't
Girl: What if he kisses me?
Mom: Say stop.
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!!!!!.....

Bed story with parental guidance

Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
"Once upon a time there was a white bunny....."
"Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?" "Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said.
Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...."
"Dad, a little more grown up!" "Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown. " I swear!"
"Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny......"

Getting married

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man Vs. Woman discoveries

Man discovered Colours and invented PAINT,

Woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKE-UP.

Man discovered WORDS and invented CONVERSATION,

Woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Man discovered games and invented PLAYING CARDS,

Woman discovered PLAYING CARDS and invented TAROT.

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,

Woman discovered FOOD and invented the DIET.

Man discovered EMOTIONS and invented LOVE,

Woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE

Man discovered WOMANand invented SEX,

Woman discovered SEX and invented the HEADACHE.

Man discovered TRADE and invented MONEY,

Woman discovered MONEY and that put an end to everything up.......