Some Simple Home Remedies (Just for Laughs)

• Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
• For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer .
• A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
• If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
  

Motor Cycles Vs. Women

* Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2000 miles.

* Motorcycles' curves never sag.

* Motorcycles last longer.

* Motorcycles don't get pregnant.

* You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.

* Motorcycles don't have parents.

* Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

* You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.

* You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.

* If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

* You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.

* If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.

* Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.

* When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

* Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.

* Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.

* New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.

* If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.

* If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

* If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.

* If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

* You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.

* You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.

* You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.

* You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.

* If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

* You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

* Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.

* Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.

* Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.

* Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.

* Motorcycles don't care if you are late.

* You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.

* It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.

* If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

* You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

The FBI Job

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.. All was

Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair!'



MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Brain Teaser - World's Easiest Questions

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)


1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?


2) Which country makes Panama hats ?


3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?


6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?


7) What was King George VI's first name ?


8) What color is a purple finch ?


9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?


10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?

Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.



Check your answers below.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

ANSWERS




1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ?
116 years




2) Which country makes Panama hats ?
Ecuador




3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?
Sheep and Horses




4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?
November




5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?
Squirrel fur




6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?
Dogs




7) What was King George VI's first name ?
Albert




8) What color is a purple finch ?
Crimson




9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?
New Zealand




10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?
Orange (of course!)




What do you mean, you failed?!!




Me, too...!!!

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

Why women cry?

How fast are you?

20 one liners with a twist

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[6] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[7] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[8] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[10] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.

[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[12] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[15] You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[16] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[18] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[19] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[20] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

20 one liners with a twist

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[6] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[7] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[8] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[9] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[10] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.

[11] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[12] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[13] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[14] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[15] You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[16] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[17] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[18] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[19] There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[20] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

Technology till death and even after

Wedding Party

Wake me up!

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Conclusion: Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. :)

Clever Kids

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom
was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and
tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of
the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he
opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend
Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been
finding real passion with Randy and he is
so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even
with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But
it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he
wants me to have the kid and that
we can be very happy together. Even though
Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so
old these days is it?),
and has no money, really these things shouldn't
stand in the way of our
relationship, don't you agree?

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a
trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's
true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful
to me in his own way.
He wants to have many more children with me and
that's now one of my dreams too.

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our
friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll
pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure
deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know
how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can
get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.


At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO".
Hands still trembling,
her father turned the sheet, and read:

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer.
Please sign it and call when it is
safe for me to come home. I love you!

Applying for Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”

Before n Today

Youths before and today...

Game play before and today...

Makeup style before and today...

Logo designs before and today...

Letters before and today...

Kamikaze before and today...

Jeans style before and today...

Hot-dogs before and today...

Hand techniques before and today...

Eggs before and today...

Dog walking styles before and today...

Dog houses before and today...

Comedians before and today...

Chess game before and today...

Cell phone games before and today...

Chernobyl before and today...

Breakfast before and today...

Body builders before and today...

Autograph signing before and today...

Foreign English

Foreign English Interpreted

[1] IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

[2] Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

[3] Doctor's Office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

[4] Dry Cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

[5] In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

[6] On a Poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

[7] In a City Restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

[8] In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

[9] Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

[10] In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

[11] Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

[12] Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

[13] In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

[14] Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

[15] Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

[16] Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

[17] A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[18] Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

Dancing Soldier

Try to count the number of his legs.

Human Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

“Hurry!” she said, “Stand in the corner.”

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.

“The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the ’statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”

Practical Bus

Birthday gifts - tips

Please be seated

Unstoppable worker

Serious Call

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

Repeating words

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Her husband looked stunned. He said “What?”

Bend bend and bend

Gift to girl friend

The meaning of dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

Who shall deliver first

Winking eyes

Photo Therapy

Husband : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Husband : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”

Excuses

Costly wedding

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”.


The father thought for a while and replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

Marriage Vs War

What is the difference between a marriage and a war?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A marriage is a war in which the enemies can sleep together!

To brighten a mother's day

Teacher: What’s big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Student: The school bus!

Count the balls

Shall make you happy

A couple is lying in bed.

The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world”

The woman says, “I’ll miss you…”

Latex business

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber
being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is
the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait
a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss,
hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Not a poisonous snake

First snake:I hope I'm not poisonous.

Second snake:Why?

First snake:Because I bit my lip!

Longest piece of furniture

Teacher : What’s the longest piece of furniture in the school?.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Student : The multiplication table.

Bachelors talk

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.

“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – Take a clean dish and….”

Rhino Plasty

Watch your slippers

Patient never wishes to hear this during surgery

1. Better save that.  We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that.  Bad dog!

4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

5. Hand me that. uh. that uh. that thingy there.

6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex?

7. Oops!  Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

8. There go the lights again!

9. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em.

10. Everybody stand back!  I lost my contact lens!

11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.

12. What's this doing here?

13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

14. That's cool!  Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16. Sterile schmerile.  The floor's clean, right?

17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!

18. OK, now take a picture from this angle.  This is truly a freak of nature.

19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?

21. Don't worry.  I think it's sharp enough.

22. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!"

23. FIRE! FIRE!  Everyone get out!

24. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.....

Marriage Quote!

Misinterpretation

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.

The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night?"

He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

Modern Story Telling

World Survey

A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:
"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE
WORLD"
No result was achieved, since the following problems were faced
during the survey's implementation:

1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"
4. In South America no one knew what is "please"
5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world"

Habit never dies

Stingy Abe was on his deathbed. “Is my wife here?” he asked
“Yes, I’m here next to you,” she answered.
“And the kids?”
“We’re here, Daddy,” the youngest answered.
“Is the rest of the family here too?”
“Around your bed,” his wife assured him.
At that, Abe sits up and yells, “So why is the kitchen light on?”

Life before computers

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show!

A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!

And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file!

And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road!

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket-knife
Paste you did with glue!

A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Effective resource management notice

Due to escalating costs, increased competition, and a keen desire to stay in business, it is necessary to change our terms of employment.

It will now be necessary to do something called work in between the coffee breaks, lunch breaks, tea breaks, smoking breaks, toilet breaks, etc.

It is the management’s intention to call this “the work break.”

Lost partner

Executive Toilet - Limited Edition

Refreshing desi toilet?

Remembering wife's birthday

What’s the most effective way for a man to remember his wife’s birthday?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Forget it once!

Just a minute

A man telephoned airline office at New York and asked, “How long does it take to fly to Boston?”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The clerk said, “Just a minute…” “Thank you,” the man said and hung up.

Successful Man

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man for marriage.

Desperate Parents

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!"

Homemade cinnamon rolls

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, “About 10 years.”

Model Wedding Ring of a Mechanical Engineer

Long live

Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be eighty.

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

Meaning of idiot

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?


Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?


Son: No.

Child Proof

KATIE (aged 4) had an ear ache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof lid and she’d have to open it for her.

Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’

Dog in heaven

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.


“You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”


Susie, still crying, said “What would God do with a dead dog?”

Terrible food

Waiter, waiter, this food is terrible.


Bring me the manager.


I’m sorry, sir. He won’t eat it either.

Two people in same grave!

A woman and her young daughter were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother one Sunday. As they passed through the cemetery on the way back to their car, the little girl said, “Mommy? Do two people ever bury in the same grave?”

“Oh no, of course not, dear!” the mother replied. “Why on earth would you think that?”

“Well, that one back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

Insult through letter

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.

“I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. “Your mother insulted me.” “My mother!” he exclaimed. “But she is a hundred miles away.”

“I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.” He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?”

“In the postscript,” she answered. “It said: ‘Dear Alice, don’t forget to give this letter to George.’”

An enthusiastic salesman

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Fast food

Why it is called "fast food"?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Its called “fast” food because you’re supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwise, you might actually taste it.

Tragedies and comedies in life

All tragedies are finished by a death
.
.
.
.
.
.
and all comedies by a MARRIAGE????

Dead on sidewalk

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead.

The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor that he could find, and screamed, "Doctor, Doctor!! A man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!! What should I do?"

The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments, then suggested, "Spin him around. Make it look like he was coming in."

Cough Syrup

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

How old are you?

Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday?

Student: Seven.

Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday?

Student: Nine.

Teacher: That’s impossible.

Student: No, it isn’t, Teacher. I’m eight today.

35th Wedding Anniversary Wish

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and poof the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.

He said; “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.” So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof – the husband was 90.

How do you honestly feel?

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other,

”How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?”

”Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.”

Age calculator

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet!"

Nail Biting

Two women were discussing their husbands over tea.

“I do wish that my Husband would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.”

“My William used to do the same thing,” the older woman replied. “But I broke him of the habit.”

“How?”

“I hid his teeth.”

Telling lie

Telling a lie is...

.....Fault for a little boy
.....an Art for a lover
.....an Accomplishment for a bachelor
.....and a Matter of survival for a married man