Friday, December 31, 2010
Perfect Housebreaking
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Surprised dad
(Father came back from UK and was calling his wife)
Son : Dad mom died during your visit to UK.
Father : (Shocked, slaped his son) & said why didn't you inform me when i was in UK.
Son : Dad, i thought of giving you a surprise.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Doctor complains to a car engineer
A doctor is talking to a car engineer, “Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”
“Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.”
Patient's doubt
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
“Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?”
“I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor.
“That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”
James Bond Style
On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Telugu guy.
Telugu Guy: ‘Hello, May I know your name please?’
James Bond: ‘My name is Bond’ Continuing in his inimitable
Style,…… James Bond.’
Then Bond asks: ‘And you?’
Telugu Guy:
‘My name is Rao…
Siva Rao…
Samba Siva Rao…
Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao……..
Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…
Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao…’
Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says ‘James Bond’
Wishing Well
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, “It really works!”
The most evil thing
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.”No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
Hearing Test
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
Last Day
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
“Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?”
“Yeah. But today is the last day”.
Misbehaving child
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
Flight instructions
“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
“If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
“That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!”
Monday, December 27, 2010
Flattery compliment
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
Simple replies
It was mealtime on a small airline.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in the flight.
“What are my choices?” he asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
Simple replies
It was mealtime on a small airline.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in the flight.
“What are my choices?” he asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
Passenger tantrums
A flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.
“When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I don’t have this problem.”
Flight attendant smiled and said, “When you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”
50 - 50 Lifestyle
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.”
The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”
The best news in 20 years
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff “miss” him. Most people are writing standard phrases like, “Without you, the company will never be the same,”
“We will always remember you,” etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied. “I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?”
Slowly but firmly, John wrote, “The best news in 20 years.”
Clever old lady
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told
the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m
sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy
looking for the jewelry.”
Weight reduction crash course
An overweight Women consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The women followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: “How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”
Extra ordinary BP
When a physician remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family.”
“Your mother’s side or your father’s?” I asked.
“Neither,” he replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.”
“Oh, come now,” I said. “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?”
He sighed. “You must meet her sometime, Doc!”
Its an ear thing
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said: ” Yes, I can put you right.”
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells:
“You idiot, you gave me a woman’s ears.”
“Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man’s or a woman’s.”
“You’re wrong, I hear everything, but I don’t understand a thing!”
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Drunken man into an elevator
Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,and then says, “Dammit, I said UP.”
Woman power
There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
What does he hear
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen.
The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to,so he put his ear up to the wall and listened.
He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, “I don’t hear anything.”The mental patient said, “Yeah, I know. It’s been like that for months!”
Bad Luck
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear?” She asked gently.
“I think you bring me bad luck.”
Toaster oven
As a wedding present, a couple got a toaster oven. After few days, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. “Get the owner’s manual!” her husband shouted.
“I can’t find it anywhere!” she cried, searching through the box.
“Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual is burnt to a crisp.”
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Whistling
Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Touch and Go
A man went to a specialist because he was suffering from premature ejaculation.
When asked how the treatment was going.
The doctor said it was touch and go.
Gingko Viagra
A guy played golf with a drug company sales rep. The sales rep. told him of a drug that his company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that the guy wanted to suggest to his friends that they consider buying stock in the company.
The drug is called “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help one remember what the fuck he is doing.
Metallic Age
How to know that we are finally in the metallic age in our life..
When come across people with...
Silver in their hair, Gold in their teeth and Lead in their Ass....
The Millennium Lifestyle
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - Godless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relationships - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Clueless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our employer - Heartless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Much less
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Marriage n Weight
How come married women are heavier than single women?
A single woman goes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed.
A married woman sees what's in bed and goes to the fridge.
Computer maniac
A husband and wife were both in an Internet business, but husband is the one who truly lives, eats and breathes computers.
Wife finally realized how bad it had gotten when she was scratching his back one day. "No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."
Revenge
Husband before entering the operation theatre: If I die,you marry the doctor.
Wife: Why are you saying like that?
Husband: That's the only way to take revenge on the doctor.
Without Ticket
Ticket Checker fined the ticketless girls...
Girl in pant was fined-Rs.100
Girl in skirt was fined-Rs.50
Mini Skirt Girl was fines - Rs.25
Next girl was fined Rs.0.
Why?
:
:
:
U Naughty...She had Ticket...:)
We should pray
As my five-year-old son and I were heading to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for whoever might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest voice: "Dear God, please don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Missed you all my life
A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Imagination Co
Some of the friends started a company built around an innovative idea for an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture. "We have to call it Imagination," one passionate participant cried out. Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, "Are you sure you want your business card to read 'Imagination, Limited'?"
Monday, December 20, 2010
Smart Duck
The duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
First Night
On Their First Night :
Husband: Is it really ur first night?
Wife: No...No...actually it is first time at night!!!
Buying red ripe tomatoes
"I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the
vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand. "I'll pick it up in about a week."
Love Stamps
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Mr. Bean watches movie
Mr.Bean: Last night I saw an English movie.It had neither scenes nor sounds.
Friend:What is the name of the movie.
Mr.Bean:"NO DISC INSERTED".
The Stream
A motorist was driving down a rural dirt road when he came upon a stream. He called out to a man walking by, "Do you think I can drive my car through the stream?"
"I suppose you can," said the man.
So the driver started across, but within seconds, his car sank, and he barely escaped with his life.
"You lied to me!" the driver screamed at the passerby. "That stream is at least ten feet deep!"
"That's funny. It only reaches up to the middle of the ducks."
"I suppose you can," said the man.
So the driver started across, but within seconds, his car sank, and he barely escaped with his life.
"You lied to me!" the driver screamed at the passerby. "That stream is at least ten feet deep!"
"That's funny. It only reaches up to the middle of the ducks."
Marketing Tactics:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich…" That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That'sCustomer Feedback !!!!!
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.That'sDemand and supply gap.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" she turns her face towards you……she is your wife!!! That's competition eating into your market share.
GPS override
Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What's a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Funny Signboards
On the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip Call your plumber.."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you! are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
What if i die?
Wife asks her husband "after my death what u will do"?
Husband replies "even i will die my dear".
Wife says "y r u talking like that?".
Husband says "My happiness will kill me".
Husband replies "even i will die my dear".
Wife says "y r u talking like that?".
Husband says "My happiness will kill me".
Join the queue
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" he man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?
"The man replied "Join the queue."
What woman and man wants to be happy?
To make a woman happy ..... A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes
&
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Leave him alone
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes
&
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Leave him alone
Airline Announcement
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain : "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean".
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane after this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.
Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.
For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... -Thank You For Flying Lufthansa- ".
Back Pain Story
One morning at a doctors surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone.
As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient was looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgo t to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor."
Monkey Trouble
Once in America a plane crashed, only a monkey who was travelling in the plane was left alive.Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travellers doing?"
Monkey : "Tying their seat belts"
Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! and Morning Wishes!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the Flight system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking all these events"
Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travellers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travellers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"
Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travellers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the Aircraft"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: " Nothing"
Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travellers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Kissing the pilots"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Responding"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Special Notice
SPECIAL NOTICE FROM Training Dept.
In order to assure the highest levels of education for our employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employee more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. in your Department, please come and see any one of the Trainers at once. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our Trainers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATION EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATION ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since all the Trainers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. Anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested or rather fit for a job as a Trainer or play a role advising other employees. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Auto Reply ; Out of Office
Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.Be prepared for my mood.
2: I'm not really out of the office.I'm just ignoring you.
3: You arereceiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.If I was in,chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that,I may be promoted to management.
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread,worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18.Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email.Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The email server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message.Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return,you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me.Please wait by your PC for my response.
11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
Tenants
One Cheenti(ant) knocks the door of a house. House owner opens the door.
"I want a place to stay", said the Cheenti ..
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost", said the
owner. Cheenti went inside and occupied that vacant room.
After some days, the Cheenti brought in another Cheenti and requested the
owner "Can you please allow this Cheenti to stay along with me".
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent" said the owner.
After some days the Cheenti brought one more Cheenti and requested the
owner to allow that Cheenti to stay with it. Owner agreed to it without
asking for any rent.
This continues and Cheenti brings in one more Cheenti and owner agrees for
it. On one fine day, the Cheenti brought in the tenth Cheenti and
requested the owner to allow that tenth Cheenti also to stay with it.
The owner said "Ok, you all can stay here but you need to pay rent". Now
the question is : Why did the owner ask for rent when the tenth Cheenti
came in?
"I want a place to stay", said the Cheenti ..
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost", said the
owner. Cheenti went inside and occupied that vacant room.
After some days, the Cheenti brought in another Cheenti and requested the
owner "Can you please allow this Cheenti to stay along with me".
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent" said the owner.
After some days the Cheenti brought one more Cheenti and requested the
owner to allow that Cheenti to stay with it. Owner agreed to it without
asking for any rent.
This continues and Cheenti brings in one more Cheenti and owner agrees for
it. On one fine day, the Cheenti brought in the tenth Cheenti and
requested the owner to allow that tenth Cheenti also to stay with it.
The owner said "Ok, you all can stay here but you need to pay rent". Now
the question is : Why did the owner ask for rent when the tenth Cheenti
came in?
Scroll down for the answer :
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Com'on don't give up... just think, why Rent now ?
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...Because they are Tenants (Ten ants) now!!
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Com'on don't give up... just think, why Rent now ?
..
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..
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...Because they are Tenants (Ten ants) now!!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Divide on divorce
A Sardar and his wife filed an application for divorce.
Judge asked: How will you divide?
Judge asked: How will you divide?
You have 3 children.
Sardar replied: OK! We will apply next year.
Medical entrance exam
Sardar was giving his medical entrance exam.
He gave definitions as follows:
Antibody:
Against everybody
Artery:
Study of fine art paintings
Cardiology:
Advanced study of playing cards
CT scan:
Scanning 4 lost whistle..
Coma:
Punctuation mark
Bacteria:
Back door to a cafeteria…
Artery:
Study of fine art paintings
Cardiology:
Advanced study of playing cards
CT scan:
Scanning 4 lost whistle..
Coma:
Punctuation mark
Bacteria:
Back door to a cafeteria…
Thursday, December 9, 2010
What is sex?
Pappu: Papa what is SEX?
Santa gets tensed but explains everything.
Pappu: But papa how to write all those things in this small box of school admission form?
Santa gets tensed but explains everything.
Pappu: But papa how to write all those things in this small box of school admission form?
Crocodile hunt
A Sardarji proposes a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.
Sardarji sets off to Africa and disappears.
Finally Sardarji was found hunting crocodiles. He was killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims ’71st and *again* barefeet!’
Sardarji sets off to Africa and disappears.
Finally Sardarji was found hunting crocodiles. He was killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims ’71st and *again* barefeet!’
Buying thermos flask
A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
He asks the clerk, ‘What is that shiny object?’
The clerk replies, ‘That is a thermos flask.’
The sardar then asks, ‘What does it do?’
The clerk responds, ‘It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.’
The sardar says, ‘I’ll take it!’
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.
His sardar boss sees him and asks, ‘What is that shiny object with you?’
He said, ‘It’s a thermos flask.’
The boss then says,’What does it ! do?’
He replies, ‘It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.’
The boss said, ‘Wow, what do you have in it?’
The sardar replies, ‘Two cups of coffee and a coke.’
He asks the clerk, ‘What is that shiny object?’
The clerk replies, ‘That is a thermos flask.’
The sardar then asks, ‘What does it do?’
The clerk responds, ‘It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.’
The sardar says, ‘I’ll take it!’
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos.
His sardar boss sees him and asks, ‘What is that shiny object with you?’
He said, ‘It’s a thermos flask.’
The boss then says,’What does it ! do?’
He replies, ‘It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.’
The boss said, ‘Wow, what do you have in it?’
The sardar replies, ‘Two cups of coffee and a coke.’
Ad for an obituary message
An innocent peasant came to the office of The Hindustan Times to place an advertisement announcing his father's death.
"The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him.
"Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the peasant...
"My father was 182 cms tall."
"The rate is Rs. 360 per single col. cm," the clerk told him.
"Main to lut jaoonga - I 'll be ruined," exclaimed the peasant...
"My father was 182 cms tall."
Let the boss speak first
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss
are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says,
"Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three,
I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted,
"I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."
Pufffff. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pufffff. and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said,
"I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"
are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says,
"Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three,
I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted,
"I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."
Pufffff. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be In Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pufffff. and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said,
"I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."
MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST"
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Computer diagnosis: Tennis elbow
One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.”
His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Presence of mind
Mom: Lets review your math son.
Son: Sure mom.
Mom: If I give you an apple and Daddy gives you another one, what’s the answer?
Son: Thank you very much!
Gone missing
Quick quack quick
The mother duck calls "i have worms for you"
Come little children form a que...
Alas! where have you all gone....
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Opposite words
Interviewer: Tell me the opposite of good.
Santa : Bad.
Interviewer: Come.
Santa : Go.
Interviewer: Ugly.
Santa : Pichlli.
Interviewer: U G L Y?
Santa : PICHLLY !!!!!!!
Interviewer: Shut Up.
Santa : Keep Talking.
Interviewer: Get Out.
Santa : Come In.
Interviewer: Oh my God.
Santa : Oh your Devil.
Interviewer: You are Rejected.
Santa : I am Selected.
Santa : Bad.
Interviewer: Come.
Santa : Go.
Interviewer: Ugly.
Santa : Pichlli.
Interviewer: U G L Y?
Santa : PICHLLY !!!!!!!
Interviewer: Shut Up.
Santa : Keep Talking.
Interviewer: Get Out.
Santa : Come In.
Interviewer: Oh my God.
Santa : Oh your Devil.
Interviewer: You are Rejected.
Santa : I am Selected.
Why did you buy that for?
A young santa watched his flat-chested wife as she tried on her new brassiere.
"Why did you buy that for?" he asked. "You haven't got anything to put in it."
"You wear shorts don't you?" she retorted.
Does is work?
Little Munni: Auntie, why do you put that powder on your face?
Auntie: To make myself look pretty.
Little Munni: Then why doesn't it work?
Auntie: To make myself look pretty.
Little Munni: Then why doesn't it work?
The Best Christmas Gift
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Grandfather. "It's the best Christmas
present I ever got."
"That's great," said his Grandfather, "do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad
gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
present I ever got."
"That's great," said his Grandfather, "do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad
gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
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