There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an engineer from Microsoft.
The car breaks down.
'Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again,' says the mechanical engineer.
'Well,' says the chemical engineer, 'it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.'
'I thought it might be a grounding problem,' says the electrical engineer, 'or maybe a faulty plug lead.'
They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say. They ask him, 'What do you think?'
'Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open the windows again.'
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Its time to go home
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”
The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”
What went wrong?
Friday, April 29, 2011
Think before you..
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son – to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?
She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.
The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called,
Junior said “the number u are trying to call is not reachable“.
Divorced barbie
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”
“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…..”
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Finding hammer
Father asked his son to get a hammer from the neighbor.
Son went and returned saying that they do not have a hammer.
Father told " All Misers, Get our hammer from the tool box."
Good reasons to allow drinks at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
5. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
6. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
7. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
8. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
9. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
How bold are you?
Man to a girl: Hi, how are you?
Girl: Fine. Thanks.
Man: How old are you?
Girl: Between 21 to 26.
Man: How bold are you?
Girl: This much! (gives a good slap on his cheek).
Monday, April 25, 2011
Marriage quotes
 | My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. |
| My wife and I were very happy for twenty years. Then we met. |
| A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. |
| Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. |
| When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. |
| I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her. |
| Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. |
| A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying". |
| A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine". |
| A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire". "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied "A billionaire". |
| Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. |
| Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. |
| Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. |
| If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. |
| It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. |
| How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. |
| The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. |
Men are like..
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don't generate a lot of interest. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Coffee the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Commercials, you can't believe a word they say. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but that's about it. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Government Bonds, they take so long to mature. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while. |
| MEN ARE LIKE. . . Newborn babies, they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their mess.. |
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Racing dreams
Once a Patient went to a Doctor
Patient :- Doctor every night, i dream myself as a horse and participating in horse race.
Doctor :- No Problem let me check .
After check up
Doctor :- Just start taking this tablets from today night before sleep , you will be alright .
Patient :- Can i start taking from tomorrow ????
Doctor got Puzzled and ask why???
Patient : Bcoz today night is my Final Race!!!!!!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Need for upgradation
Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.
One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table
and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (The woodcutter and the Axe), he started praying to the River Goddess.
The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.
As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, “Is this your computer?” Disappointed by the Goddess’ lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, “No.”
She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.
Annoyed, the engineer said “No, not at all!!”
Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.
The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said “Yes.”
The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, “Don’t you know that you’re supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own?”
The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, “I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!”. So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium machine!!
What an excuse!
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Change of Version: Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
Is this the way it is ... ??
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and PremierLeague 7.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Signed:
Desperate Wife
(keep reading)
- - - - -Reply Separator- - - - -
Dear Desperate Wife,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause damage, with Husband 1.0 defaulting to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.
Be especially cautious about the HotChik virus – it’s programmed to corrupt Husband 1.0 utterly (as well as all future Husband upgrades).
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
In the hands of yamraj
A man died and went to the skies.
Yamraj met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, ‘Before you meet with God, I should tell you – you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not sure what to do with you. Tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?’
The man thought for a moment and replied, ‘Once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a gang. So I got out and went up to the leader of the gang.’
‘He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!’ the man said.
‘I’m impressed,’ Yamraj responded, ‘When did this happen?’
‘About two minutes ago,’ came the reply.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Brain transplant
A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him $10,000 or the Politician's which was $100,000.
"Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.
"not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."
Getting married
Once a friend telling to his another friend, “You know me and my girlfriend is going to marry soon".
His friend became happy and told, “That’s good,when you will marry?”
The friend replied, “She will marry on 30th May, 2009 and I will on 6th June.”
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Funny anagram
Dormitory:
When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room
Desperation:
When you rearrange the letters:
A Rope Ends It
Presbyterian:
When you rearrange the letters:
Best In Prayer
George Bush:
When you rearrange the letters:
He Bugs Gore
President Clinton Of The USA:
When you rearrange the letters:
To Copulate, He Finds Interns
The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters:
Here Come Dots
Slot Machines:
When you rearrange the letters:
Cash Lost In Me
Animosity:
When you rearrange the letters:
Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms:
When you rearrange the letters:
Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'm a Dot In Place
The Earthquakes:
When you rearrange the letters:
That Queer Shake
Eleven Plus Two:
When you rearrange the letters:
Twelve Plus One
And...
Mother-In-Law:
When you rearrange the letters:
Woman Hitler
Multipurpose card number
Operator : Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your…
Customer : Hello, can I order..
Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?
Customer : It s eh…, hold………. on……889861356102049998-45-54610
Operator : OK… you’re Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan
Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile
is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?
Customer : Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Suitable name
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name.
I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
No one can treat better
Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor in India and said,“Doctor I am on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.”
Doctor : I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.
Man : No, Doctor, I have come to you only.
Doctor : But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.
Man : I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only…
Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.
Man : I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first.
Doctor : OK. Tell me.
Man :
I sleep vigilantly like dog thinking about my work load whole night.
I get up in the morning like a horse.
I go to work running like a deer.
I work all the day like a donkey.
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses.
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
I am like a rabbit before my wife.
Doctor : Are you a Software engineer?
Man : Yes
Doctor : Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are a Software engineer. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.
Thermos flask
A man goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos flask.”
The man then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The man says, “I’ll take it!”
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His boss sees him and asks, “What is that shiny object with you?”
He said, “It’s a thermos flask.”
The boss then says, “What does it do?”
He replies, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
The boss said, “Wow, what do you have in it?”
The man replies, “Two cups of coffee and a coke.”
Monday, April 18, 2011
To know that you are living in 2011...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Needs
A rich man needs ________.
A poor man has ________.
If you eat ________ you die!
Only one word fits in all the 3 blanks! What is that?
Right Answer is NOTHING
A poor man has ________.
If you eat ________ you die!
Only one word fits in all the 3 blanks! What is that?
Right Answer is NOTHING
Funny math
Q: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: The right answer is You Have BIG Hands
A: The right answer is You Have BIG Hands
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Pack of Cards
Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...
What a mess!
One morning at a doctor’s clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him” OK, what happened to your back?” The patient replies “You know that I work for
a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back”.
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor said “My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible..
What the hell happened to you?” He replied, “You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late.. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won’t believe it but I was hit by a fridge.”
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, “What the hell happened to youuuuuu……?” “Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor”.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Silence
A man's silence can break a woman's heart into a thousand pieces while a woman's silence can give a man a thousand moments of peace!
Perfect calculation
An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1248 sheep out there."
The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"
The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."
The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"
The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."
Men are like parking lots
Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says, "Why are men the same as parking lots".
So the second lady says "I don't know?"
So the first lady says, " all the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!"
So the second lady says "I don't know?"
So the first lady says, " all the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!"
Friday, April 15, 2011
How much does it cost?
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Noble cause
It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one exam.
Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees. SAY NO TO EXAMS
Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees. SAY NO TO EXAMS
Mouse mess
Customer: "My mouse doesn't work any more."
Tech Support: "Is it an optical or ball mouse?"
Customer: "Huh?"
Tech Support: "Does it have a ball or light?"
Customer: "It has an light on top."
Tech Support: "On top?"
Customer: "Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it's on top."
Tech Support: "Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk."
Customer: "Oh! It works!"
Tech Support: "Is it an optical or ball mouse?"
Customer: "Huh?"
Tech Support: "Does it have a ball or light?"
Customer: "It has an light on top."
Tech Support: "On top?"
Customer: "Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it's on top."
Tech Support: "Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk."
Customer: "Oh! It works!"
Reasons to choose IT job
1) I hated sleep.
2) I had enjoyed my life enough.
3) I couldn't live without tension.
4) I wanted to pay for my sins.
5) I believed in the Bhagwad Geeta principle : Do work,Don't care about results.
6) Everything in life has a reason; I wanted to prove it wrong.
7) I wanted to take revenge on myself .
2) I had enjoyed my life enough.
3) I couldn't live without tension.
4) I wanted to pay for my sins.
5) I believed in the Bhagwad Geeta principle : Do work,Don't care about results.
6) Everything in life has a reason; I wanted to prove it wrong.
7) I wanted to take revenge on myself .
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Dog lesson
a.. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
b.. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
c.. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face
to be pure ecstasy.
d.. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
e.. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
f.. Take naps.
g.. Stretch before rising.
h.. Run, romp, and play daily.
i.. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
j.. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
k.. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
l.. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
m.. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
n.. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt
thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
o.. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
p.. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had
enough.
q.. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
r.. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
s.. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close byand nuzzle.
Author unknown.
Trourist guide story
A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it
took to build.
Twenty years, replied the guide.
You Indians are a lazy lot, the tourist said. In my country, this could have
been built in five.
At Agra he admired the Taj Mahal's beauty and asked how many years it took to
build.
Only ten years, said the guide.
The tourist retorted: You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings
in two-and-a-half.
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have
been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the
Qutub Minar the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: I don't
know. It wasn't there yesterday evening.
took to build.
Twenty years, replied the guide.
You Indians are a lazy lot, the tourist said. In my country, this could have
been built in five.
At Agra he admired the Taj Mahal's beauty and asked how many years it took to
build.
Only ten years, said the guide.
The tourist retorted: You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings
in two-and-a-half.
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have
been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the
Qutub Minar the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: I don't
know. It wasn't there yesterday evening.
Teething problem
A villager went to a dentist to complain about swollen gum.
The doctor examined him and asked him why he had not come earlier.
The patient replied that he was being treated by another doctor called Setam.
The dentist nodded and said," Oh, he is an idiot. What he has advised regarding your swollen gum".
The patient from the village replied, "he asked me to see you".
The doctor examined him and asked him why he had not come earlier.
The patient replied that he was being treated by another doctor called Setam.
The dentist nodded and said," Oh, he is an idiot. What he has advised regarding your swollen gum".
The patient from the village replied, "he asked me to see you".
Monday, April 11, 2011
Childhood learnings
~ No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
~When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
~If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
~You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
~Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
~Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
~Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
~Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
~School lunches stick to the wall.
~You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
~Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
~The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
~It's hard to unlearn a bad word.
~It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
~A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
~Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
~Twelve is a lot older than eight.
~Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
~Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely
sure there's a slow kid behind you.
~If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
~Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
~You can't start over just because you're losing the game.
~A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.
~All libraries smell the same.
~If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
~Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
~Silence can be an answer.
~When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
~If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
~You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
~Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
~Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
~Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
~Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
~School lunches stick to the wall.
~You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
~Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
~The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
~It's hard to unlearn a bad word.
~It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
~A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
~Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
~Twelve is a lot older than eight.
~Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
~Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely
sure there's a slow kid behind you.
~If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
~Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
~You can't start over just because you're losing the game.
~A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.
~All libraries smell the same.
~If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
~Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
~Silence can be an answer.
Recycled wise sayings
1 | Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. |
2 | The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. |
3 | It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. |
4 | Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. |
5 | Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. |
6 | Never test the depth of the water with both feet. |
7 | Many is the man who has drowned in a lake whose average depth was only three feet. |
8 | It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. |
9 | It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. |
10 | If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. |
11 | Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes. |
12 | If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
13 | Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. |
14 | If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. |
15 | Don't squat with your spurs on. |
16 | If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. |
17 | If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. |
18 | Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. |
19 | Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. |
20 | The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. |
21 | Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. |
22 | A closed mouth gathers no foot. |
23 | Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. |
24 | There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. |
25 | Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. |
26 | Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. |
27 | Never miss a good chance to shut up. |
28 | If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. |
| 29 | The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. |
| 30 | We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. |
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Life is all maths
One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch:
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.Lis
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.Lis
Slim fast
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unnoticed.
The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer.
"What the heck is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Maria!," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put baby powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a giggle..."It's not baby powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'!"
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unnoticed.
The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer.
"What the heck is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Maria!," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put baby powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a giggle..."It's not baby powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'!"
The funeral fun
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Friday, April 8, 2011
God shall provide
Young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Best time to plant the flower
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”
The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”
The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”
Life's Truth
1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this.
I'm an idiot and I needed company ...
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this.
I'm an idiot and I needed company ...
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Describing a wife
Desi man's wife asked her husband to describe about her.
Desi man: You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.
Wife: What does that mean?
Desi man: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
Wife: Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?
Desi man: I'm Just Kidding....
Desi man: You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.
Wife: What does that mean?
Desi man: Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
Wife: Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?
Desi man: I'm Just Kidding....
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Toilet Pain
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there ?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers !"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot ! You're sitting on the mop bucket !"
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there ?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers !"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot ! You're sitting on the mop bucket !"
Tech Support Call
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
Made in Japan
There was a Japanese who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the Japanese leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!" Thereupon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!" |
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Memory loss
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
Starting salary
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Job resposibility
Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job."
"Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."
"Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Life comes in full circle
At age 4, success is.....not wetting your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not wetting your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not wetting your pants.
e-Proverbs
1 | Home is where you hang your @. |
2 | The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. |
3 | A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click |
4 | You can't teach a new mouse old clicks |
5 | Great groups from little icons grow. |
6 | Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. |
7 | C:\ is the root of all directories. |
8 | Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. |
9 | Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. |
10 | The modem is the message |
11 | Too many clicks spoil the browse. |
12 | The geek shall inherit the earth. |
13 | There's no place like home page. |
14 | Don't byte off more than you can view. |
15 | Fax is stranger than fiction |
16 | What boots up must come down. |
17 | Windows will never cease. |
18 | Virtual reality is its own reward. |
19 | Modulation in all things |
20 | Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks |
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