Apt letter of recommendation

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Better excuse for late coming

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

History Blues

Why aren’t you doing very well in history?

Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!

Smart student

Teacher: Didn’t you promise to behave?

Student: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?

Student: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you don’t have to keep yours.

Punishment for shoplifting

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, 'I will give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, ' What is it? '

The husband said 'She also stole a can of peas.'

Money matters

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, “Does this fellow have any money ?”

The daughter shook her head sadly. “Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike.” sighing deeply, she replied, “That’s exactly what he asked me about you.”

Fantastic weekend

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.

At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.

"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account."

"I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"

Clever wish

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.

The man thinks for a moment and then says, “OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.”

Old age wit Vs Youth

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years and in the back forty it had a nice pond, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court,etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."

Old age & cunning will triumph over youth & skill every time!

Reason to forget

SUV gifted

Two old guys were chatting.....

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!..... Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Birth Control Pills

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

Yes, they help me sleep at night. "

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear,I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. "

You gotta love Grandmas!

Death of a wife

After the funeral, the priest said, “I don’t think you will ever find another woman like your late wife.”

And the husband replied “Who’s gonna look?”

Ladies Driving

Ladies drive slowly and carefully so that no accident took place.

Because in case of accident their correct age is published in the newspaper.

Old age chat

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled,"volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."

Practical road sign board

Find the Gay one out!

Luggage change over

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”

The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

“Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”

Nervous old lady

“I have never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot.


“You will bring me down safely, wont you?"


”All I can say maam,” said the pilot, “is that I have never left anyone up there yet!”

Eating apple

Q. What’s worse than finding a worm in the apple you’re eating?


A. Finding half a worm.

Balanced Diet

What is a balanced diet?

The same amount of cookies in each hand!

Energy saving bike

The complete man

A man is incomplete until he gets married…


..... after that he is completely finished!

Freedom to speak

The wife says to her husband:

- You spoke in the sleep!

- Why are you so surprised? It’s the single occasion when I can open my mouth.

Teaching moral

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

Cell phone informer

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at “Mom” and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

“Don’t worry,” she said, “I’ll take care of it.”

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was “Mom.”

“Melvin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”

Picture hanging

Six-year-old Jerry came downstairs crying loudly.

“What’s the matter?” asked his mother.

“Papa was hanging pictures, and he just hit his thumb with a hammer,” said Jerry.

“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “A big man like your dad shouldn’t cry at a trifle like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?”

“I did,” sobbed Jerry.

Embarrassing situation

The man, trying to start up a conversation with another man said, “Who is the ugly lady over there?”

The second man said, “Why, that’s my wife!”

Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the first man said, “No, not her, the other one!”

The second man said, “That’s my daughter!”

Way to live long life

Man to Doctor : Is there any way to get a long life.

Doctor : Yes, Get married.

Man : Will it help?

Doctor : No, but the thought of long life will never come to your mind.

Practical Hospital

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.

“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”

“But I could be dead by then!”

“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”

Lucky Adam

Q: Why was Adam the happiest man ever lived?

A: Because he was the only man without a mother-in-law.

Style of dressing

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Bedtime story

A girl of seven walked into her mother’s bedroom and asked her to tell her a bedtime story.

The mother wasn’t thrilled with the request. She said, “It’s almost two in the morning.”

“I know, Mommy, but I’d love to hear a story.”

The mother said, “Lie down in bed with me. We’ll wait for your father and he’ll tell us both one!”

Mother's day surprise

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen, she lay in eager anticipation the lovely breakfast her helpful, caring children were making for her.

However, after a good long wait, she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

“As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “we decided to cook our own breakfast.”

To look natural

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

“Let’s try to make this look natural,” she said.

“Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder.”

The father answered, “If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?”

Crazy birthday gift

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”

Mom smiled and then replied…..”I remember.”

Mother tongue

A son was filling up the form with Dad’s help.

He came across a question, “Mother tongue.”

He asked his Dad, “What should I write here, Dad?”

And Dad responded, “Very long.”

Fashion briefs

Future lifestyle

No excuses

A women came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee, and slapped him on the back of his head. " I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with a woman's name written on it" she says, furious. " You had better have an explanation".

"Calm down, honey" says the man. " Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning, his wife smacked him again. " What was that for?" asked the angry husband. " Your dog called last night" she said.

Blue Eyes

While working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out.

"Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough.

Male Vs Female Brain

Aim Higher

Windows command in hindi version

If Microsoft plans to release a windows version in Hindi, Here
are some Windows related terms that may be used in the
Hindi version of... Khidkiyan2000:

Phaail = File
Bachao = Save
Aise Bachao = Save as
Subko Bachao = Save All
Mujhe Bachao = Help
Dhoondo = Find
Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
Hilao = Move
Daak = Mail
Daakiya = Mailer
Paas se dhekho = Zoom
Duur se dhekho = Zoom Out
Kholo = Open
Bandh Karo = Close
Naya = New
Khatara = Old
Badli Karo = Replace
Bhaago = Run
Chhaapo = Print
Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview
Kaapi = Copy
Kaato = Cut
Kato = Stupid Houseguest
Chipkao = Paste
Payshul Chipkao = Paste Special
Goli Maaro = Delete
Nazaara = View
Hathiyaar = Tools
Hathiyaar Khambha = Toolbar
Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
Iska Bhi Naam Nahin Aata = Database
Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit
Ped = Tree
Thooso = Compress
Chooha = mouse
Tik-Tik Karo = Click
Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar

Altered love

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

Sweet embarrasment

An employee stole a couple of minutes from work to give his wife a call. She put him on two-year-old son, and they chatted a while before he ended it with an enthusiastic "I love you!"

"I love you too," he said, with a dopey grin plastered on his face. He was about to hang up when he heard his son ask sweetly, "Mommy, who was that?"

Coincidental clicks

Memory class

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.

“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.

“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”

You love something and..

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place — you either married it or gave birth to it!

You love something and..

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place — you either married it or gave birth to it!

Corporate practice

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

“I’m the Boss!”

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

No need to laugh

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”

“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”

Precise data

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

“This temple is 1503 years old”, replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

“Easy”, replies the guide, “the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago”

Just imagine

You are sardarji and on a bus, when you suddenly fart.

Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus

Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly

realize............
.
.
.
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.
.
.
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.
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You're listening to your IPOD!

Look Alike

Hot Mousepads

Time up

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied, “I didn’t recognize you!”

Living with bad luck

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

Extremely flexible body

Beware of loose outfits

Disappointed guy

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

Consoling Doctor

Patient: I am really not feeling well doctor?
Doctor: What happened?
Patient: when i close my eyes i could not see anything…
Doctor: Oh!
Patient: when i take a bath, i become wet…
Doctor: OMG…
Patient: Do something doc! please! i dont wanna die too soon, i am just 20!
Doctor: I am 70 and suffering from the same problems, dont worry you have a lot of time!

Tatto Mania

As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty whale," I commented.

With a smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

Ballerina

Wow Lingerie

Moving on

When our school librarian announced she was changing schools, my fellow teacher asked a student, "Why do you think Ms. Richardson is leaving?"

The third grader opined, "Because she's read all our books?"

Horny Colonoscopy

Space Monkey

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!”

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle’s engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!”

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, “This is mission control to the astronaut…”

At this the astronaut responded “I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.”

Improved a lot

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.”Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,”remarked his friend.”I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

Sexy wash room

Postural Designer Bed

Woman's Ear

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said: ” Yes, I can put you right.”

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells:

“You idiot, you gave me a woman’s ears.”

“Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man’s or a woman’s.”

“You’re wrong, I hear everything, but I don’t understand a thing!”

Practical answer from a medical student

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I sruppose I’d limp, too.”

Elevator out of service

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom.

Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,and then says, “Dammit, I said UP.”

Fishing on roads - can we try too!

History repeats

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

Work done easily

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding something in his firewood.”

“This will be noted.”

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find nothing suspicious, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom’s house. “Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?” “Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yeah they did.” “Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

Juggling Test

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. “What are those knives doing in your car?” asked the officer.

“I juggle them in my act.”

“Oh yeah?” says the cop. “Let’s see you do it.” So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”

Philosophical Father

A young man comes home and says “Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”

Father replies, :”O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”

Father replies, “That’s all true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”

Son says, “But, dad, Jesus had long hair.”

Father replies, “Yes, son, you’re perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.”

Effective warning to shoplifters

Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Finger Face - Funny Face

A cup of beer a day..

2*2 means

Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is 2 * 2 ?”

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it’s old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces “3.99″.

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces “it lies between 3.98 and 4.02″.

The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: “I don’t know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!”.

Philosopher smiles: “But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?”

Logician replies: “Please define 2 * 2 more precisely.”

The sociologist: “I don’t know, but is was nice talking about it”.

Behavioral Ecologist: “A polygamous mating system”.

Medical Student : “4″

All others looking astonished : “How did you know?”

Medical Student : “I memorized it.”

Just a phase reaction

A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

“Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .”, the sodium pined.

“It’s just a phase you’re going through”, replied the Bunsen burner.