Trying to understand till the end but...

The Herberts were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Hebert kissed his wife and said,
"I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Hebert cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the livingroom floor is fun too. You can really spread out !"
Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for my husband and me."

Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of...."

Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that.
I'm sure." Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it."

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his Baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
Wife - "Oh my god!"

Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Wife - "She was difficult?"

Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,pushing to get a good look."
Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes wide in amazement).

Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your....equipment?"

Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

Wife - "Tripod?"
Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long....Madam ........... Madam ?

Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Wasted adaptation - A yound camel's query

A young camel was bored one day and started asking his mother questions.

"Why do we have large three toed feet?"
"So we don't sink while walking in the soft sands of the desert," his mother replied.

"Why do we have long eyelashes?" was the next question.
"To stop the sand of the desert storms getting in our eyes," was the exasperated reply.

"Why do we have a large hump on our back?"
"So we can cross the many miles of desert without needing water," his mother snapped.

"So what the hell are we doing in this zoo?"

Smart Foot

How Smart Is Your Right Foot ?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And even if you keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot... you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.

Make sure you pass this on to your friends...

What a normal person would do?

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the tea cup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket, as it is larger than the spoon and the cup."

"No" said the director - A normal person would........

"A normal person would pull the plug and let the water flow out"

Some words and its meaning

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Top SMS

3rd Best SMS:
Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens.

2nd Best SMS:
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.

Top SMS:
How amazing!! - A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 mins.

Car insurance

The man wanted to buy some insurance for his car, so he went to the insurance company and asked for the list.

First there was anti-fire, which has a $200 premium. Then, there was anti-theft, which had a $150 premium. At the end, he noticed that there was a anti-fire and anti-theft policy for only $50!

So, he asked the receptionist, 'Why in the world do you price the policy for two problems less than that for one problem?'

So, the receptionist replied, 'Because nobody steals a burnt car.'

Learning Alphabets - Tapoori style

Message uncoded

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.
No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help.
Cpt. Moshe Pippick took one look at it and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."

Smoking visual presentation

Credit card customer service

This funny incident with Customer Service of a popular bank was picked from the net.

Check the heights of Customer Service...

My Aunt died this past January.
XxxxBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service
Charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00.. now was somewhere around $60.00

I placed the following phone call to XxxxBank:

The conversation….
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
XxxxBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
XxxxBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
XxxxBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
XxxxBank: "...excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you...the part about her being dead?"
XxxxBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
XxxxBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
XxxxBank: ..(stammer)... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
XxxxBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure."
(Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax)
XxxxBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
XxxxBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help"
Me: "Well...if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I suppose...I don't really think she will care!"
XxxxBank: "Well... the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
(What the…!!)
XxxxBank: "That might help."
Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129 and plot number given."
XxxxBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!!"

XxxxBank Hung Up!!!~*~
P.S: (Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die......)

Lab Test

Two guys were sitting outside a clinic.
One of them was crying like anything, so the other asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid?"
First one replied,"No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked other,
"Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

How to impress a woman or a man!

To impress a WOMAN

• Compliment her
• Respect her
• Honor her,
• Cuddle her,
• Caress her,
• Love her,
• Comfort her,
• Protect her,
• Hold her,
• Spend money on her,
• Wine and dine her,
• Buy things for her,
• Listen to her,
• Care for her,
• Stand by her,
• Support her,
• Hold her,
• Go to the ends of the Earth for her.

How to Impress a MAN

JUST SMILE ONCE AND HE'S YOURS

Last employment details

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win...

If I was late to work, I was hostile.

If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.

If I was on time, I was compulsive."

Hang over

A man is lounging in his favorite chair, drinking a beer, while his wife is cutting the lawn.

A lady walking by sees this and yells at the man: "You should be hung!"

The man takes a drink of his beer, and says to the lady: "I am. That's why she's cutting the grass."

Driving late

A man driving home late at night in his Volkswagen beetle car was stopped by by policemen on patrol.

The police asked the man to produce his car document.

When they could not fault the document, the next question to the man was: "My friend, do you realize that you committed a criminal offense by driving alone in this car at late night?"

The man became angry and responded: "How could you say that? God the father, the son and holy spirit, prophet Elijah and Angels Micheal and Gabriel are all with me in the Car."

The policeman replied: "You mean, all these people are in this small car? I charge you for overloading!"

Memorising state capitals

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered.

Baby oil

If corn oil is made from corn, and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?

Trendy Daughter-in-law

Some daughters-in-law are well trained and well mannered....
They don't come to change the family, they are here to ... ( READ ON !)

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. As expected she gave a speech;
'My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine ..'No, I will never do that, never in a million years.'

'What do you mean my child?' asked the father-in-law.
'What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);

Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked should not stop at my account, AND
Those who used to clean should continue cleaning!!!


'And what are you here for?' enquired the mother-in-law.

' I'M HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON!!!!!'

Dead Bird

One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted....

'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

Buying sarees

Wife Saw Sign Board:

Nylon Saree : Rs.8/-

Cotton Saree : Rs.5/-

Banarsi Saree : Rs.10/-

Wife: Give me Rs.500 I’ll buy 50 Sarees.

Husband: You dumbo.. its a laundry shop !!

Pretty woman

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?

The man replies, Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.

Hunger lesson

Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert. One is David, the other is Michael. They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate of a mosque in the middle.

David said to Michael : "Look, let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. I am going to call myself Mohammed."

Michael refused to change his name, he said : "My name is Michael, and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am...Michael."

The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names.

David said : "My name is Mohammed."

Michael said : "My name is Michael."

The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said : "Please bring some food and water for Michael only."

Then he turned to the other and said: "Well Mohammed, Ramzan Mubarak!"

100 dollars story

An Indian tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very life-like, Life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the Story," says the owner.

The tourist gives the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."


As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats crawl out of the alleys and sewers and begin following him down the street. This is disconcerting; he begins walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him grows to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and are still squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," says the owner, "You have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a statue of an Indian politician in bronze!!"

Elephant and the bananas

An elephant has 5 bananas and it is hungry, but yet it does not eat the bananas. Why?


Because the bananas are made of plastic.

Next…Q

The 5 bananas are real, but yet the elephant does not eat it. Why?


Because the elephant is made of plastic.


Now,
Both the elephant and the bananas are real, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?


Because the bananas are in the TV.


Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?


Because they are on different channels


Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV and on the same channel, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?

Cmon think


Because the TV is off.


Now Finally the Elephant gets a chance to eat the bananas.Why?

..... pls let it eat the bananas now atleast!

Lawyer hunt

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car
is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,
dirt and blood.  He asks his friend,
"What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

Candy love

In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine's Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."

Ultimate LOG OFF

What a bland taste!

The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of tan-colored paper.

"Your name?" I asked.

"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.

Greeting Cards

Greeting Cards: When you care enough to send the very best but not enough to actually write something.

Froot Loops

After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!"

Good news

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?". The man paused for a moment, then quietly said, "no" and hung up. Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer. The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up. Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?" The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."

Secure password with reminder

Another man and I share a locker at work. Noticing that it needed a new combination lock, my partner said he would pick one up on his way to work the next day. It occurred to me later that I might not see him in the morning. How would I find out the combination? I needn't have worried.

When I arrived at work I found that he had used the locker before me and had left a note reading: "To find the first number subtract 142 from your high score the last time we went bowling. The second number is 16 less than that. To find the third number subtract 1.87 from the amount you owe me."

Doctor's comment

We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."

Best book on elephants

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book
on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the
   British Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal
   Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the
   Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the
   Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"

Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than
   People"

The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of
   the Soviet Elephant"

And  submited a poem "The Joy and
   Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but
   wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

Private Browsing Accessory

Slipper Mop

Similarity

What is the similarity between cars and women?
.
.
.
To look good, they both need to be Waxed!

Show off

The first Sunday after my husband and I bought a new car, we parked it in the last row of the church lot, not wanting to be ostentatious. While talking with friends, my husband, Byron, accidentally hit the panic button on his electronic key. Immediately our car's horn blared and its lights flashed.

Watching Byron fumble with the button, his friend teased, "Wouldn't it have been in better taste to put a few lines in the church bulletin?"

His and Her ATMs

His And Hers ATMs

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written
on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Elegant calligraphy

My wife was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the hand-written menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it home and spent months knitting a sweater with Chinese characters down the front. She was wearing it at a cocktail party when a Chinese physician asked where she got the symbols. "From a menu," she admitted.

"Do you know what they say?"

"I'm afraid to ask," my wife said, "but tell me anyway."

"Cheap, but good."

Corporate Zodiac

1. MARKETING

You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study
in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much
what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.


2. SALES

Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are
also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their
money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big
picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.


3. TECHNOLOGY

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to
completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't
understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the
geeks shall inherit the Earth.


4. ENGINEERING

One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety
percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself:
your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However,
everyone knows what's really causing your "carpal tunnel"...


5. ACCOUNTING

The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office
politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your
extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you
are completely insane.


6. HUMAN RESOURCES

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the
biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does
less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have
to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!


7. MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS"

Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your
current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to
measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best
suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a
"Middle Manager."


8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT

Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your
current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to
measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best
suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a
"Senior Manager."


9. CUSTOMER SERVICE

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life.
As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and
a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over
for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

My father taught me

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after
three." "Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?" "Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A Jack."

On Hold

I was delighted to discover that I could play compact discs in the new computer my company had given me. One morning I was enjoying one of my favorite Beethoven pieces when an administrative assistant stopped by to deliver a stack of papers.

Hearing classical music filling the air, she stopped and exclaimed, "Poor you. They put you on hold?"

Business Management

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber
being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is
the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait
a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss,
hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Not poisonous

First snake:I hope I'm not poisonous.

Second snake:Why?

First snake:Because I bit my lip!

Looking for loopholes

On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him
sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible "What are
you doing?" asked the friend.

"Looking for loopholes," repied the lawyer.

Turning lucky

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino
and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags.
I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

If delete works this way!

If delete works this way!

Front or back

The oldest

A physician, an engineer and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

Take a guess

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

Heads n Tails

A Sardar reported for his university final examination that consisted of yes/no type questions.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, checks his pocket, takes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes for Heads, and No for Tails.

Within half an hour he is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes he is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on."I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

How we look without...

A beggar asks Desi man for a Rupee.

"Do you drink, smoke, or gamble?" asks desi man.

The beggar says, "I don't touch a drop, never smoked and hate gambling."

"Okay," says desi man, "If you will come home with me I will give you a 10 Rupees."

As they enter the house, Desi man's wife takes him aside and hisses, "How dare you bring that terrible looking man into our home!?"

"Darling," says desi man, "I just wanted you to see what a man looks like who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and doesn't gamble."

Logical Reasoning

Light joke

Q: How many accountants does it take to replace a light bulb?

A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to file the paperwork.

Sleeping beauty

Happy horse riding

What you see!!!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

	Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
	Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
	Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
	Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
	Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Help during emergency

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Beware of punctuation

An English professor wrote the words, 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.'

The women wrote: 'Woman: Without her, man is nothing.'

Marketing strategy to propose a gorgeous girl.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.” That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’s Telemarketing.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That’s Customer Feedback.

Netizen

Identify which one is male and female!

Man and woman brain: Test to have a drink

Car break down

There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an engineer from Microsoft.

The car breaks down.

'Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again,' says the mechanical engineer.

'Well,' says the chemical engineer, 'it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.'

'I thought it might be a grounding problem,' says the electrical engineer, 'or maybe a faulty plug lead.'

They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say. They ask him, 'What do you think?'

'Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open the windows again.'

Its time to go home

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

What went wrong?

A conversation between a bartender and a man:

Bartender: What happened? You look wrecked!

Man: I had it all – Money, A beautiful house, The love of a beautiful woman…..

Bartender: Then… what went wrong?

Man: Well, then my wife found out!

Think before you..

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son – to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying to ask why?

She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed around to know the cause of this.

The man asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called,
Junior said “the number u are trying to call is not reachable“.

Divorced barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…..”

Toxic fumes

X rayed

Finding hammer

Father asked his son to get a hammer from the neighbor.

Son went and returned saying that they do not have a hammer.

Father told " All Misers, Get our hammer from the tool box."

Good reasons to allow drinks at work

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

5. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

6. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

7. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

8. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

9. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

How bold are you?

Man to a girl: Hi, how are you?

Girl: Fine. Thanks.

Man: How old are you?

Girl: Between 21 to 26.

Man: How bold are you?

Girl: This much! (gives a good slap on his cheek).

Logo baby

Marriage quotes

	My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
	My wife and I were very happy for twenty years. Then we met.
	A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
	Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
	When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
	I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her.
	Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
	A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".
	A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
	A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire". "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied "A billionaire".
	Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
	Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
	Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
	If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
	It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
	How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
	The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Men are like..

	MEN ARE LIKE. . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
	MEN ARE LIKE. . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don't generate a lot of interest.
	MEN ARE LIKE. . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
	MEN ARE LIKE. . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
	MEN ARE LIKE. . . Coffee the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
	MEN ARE LIKE. . . Commercials, you can't believe a word they say.
	MEN ARE LIKE. . . Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
	MEN ARE LIKE. . . Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
	MEN ARE LIKE. . . Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
	MEN ARE LIKE. . . Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.
	MEN ARE LIKE. . . Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
	MEN ARE LIKE. . . Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

MEN ARE LIKE. . . Newborn babies, they're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their mess..

Funny pyjamas

Racing dreams

Once a Patient went to a Doctor

Patient :- Doctor every night, i dream myself as a horse and participating in horse race.
Doctor :- No Problem let me check .

After check up

Doctor :- Just start taking this tablets from today night before sleep , you will be alright .
Patient :- Can i start taking from tomorrow ????

Doctor got Puzzled and ask why???
Patient : Bcoz today night is my Final Race!!!!!!

Tiger woods new yatch

Need for upgradation

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table
and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (The woodcutter and the Axe), he started praying to the River Goddess.

The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, “Is this your computer?” Disappointed by the Goddess’ lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, “No.”

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.

Annoyed, the engineer said “No, not at all!!”

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.

The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said “Yes.”

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, “Don’t you know that you’re supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own?”

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, “I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!”. So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium machine!!

What an excuse!

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Change of Version: Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

Is this the way it is ... ??

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and PremierLeague 7.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:

Desperate Wife

(keep reading)

- - - - -Reply Separator- - - - -

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause damage, with Husband 1.0 defaulting to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

Be especially cautious about the HotChik virus – it’s programmed to corrupt Husband 1.0 utterly (as well as all future Husband upgrades).

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

Good Luck,

Tech Support