Whats in the mind of an IT husband? Check out..

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.

Husband: (Returning late from work) “Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”

Wife: Have you brought the grocery?

Husband: Bad command or file name.

Wife: But I told you in the morning

Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife: What about my new TV?

Husband: Variable not found…

Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied…

Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband: Too many parameters…

Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are useless.

Husband: It’s by Default.

Wife: What about your Salary?

Husband: File in use… Try after some time.

Wife: What is my value in the family.

Husband: Unknown Virus.

Highly confidential fax

Manager: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?”

Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?”

Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”

Staff: “How did you load the sheet?”

Manager: “I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”

How to get to heaven?

I asked the children in my Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”

“No!” the children all answered.

Then I said, “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “No!”

“Well,” I continued, “Then how can I get to heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

Legal but not logical, Logical but not legal, neither logical nor legal..

After having failed his exam in Logistics and Organization, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student, “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor, “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student, “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an ‘A’ for the exam.”

Professor, “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an ‘A’, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers, “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an ‘A’, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Smart Girl

Any Guess!!!

Overworked!!!

Really overworked, no time even to ****!

Speed Limit Finder (New)

Love at first sight!

Dads like that!

Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,
I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when
all my Teachers travel by train.
Your Son
Nasser

—————————————————-

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop
embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

Whats in name?

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

“What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker …that’s all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling………… My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . ..”

Common word

A rich man needs ________.

A poor man has ________.

If you eat ________ you die!

Only one word fits in all the 3 blanks! What is that?

Right Answer is NOTHING...

Whats in your hand?

If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

Answer is You Have BIG Hands...

Friends never let you fall

Moral of the Story:
FRIENDS may not be able to PULL you up...
BUT
THEY will still think of ways not to let you FALL.

Ghostly voice mail

Impress women at less cost

The mother-in-law diet

Eco-friendly office washrooms

Office Washrooms!

No service gesture

Cockroach getting cancer

Men in Dress

Triangular love

Sexy idea

Hindi translation unlimited

Hindi:
He : Aye kya bolti tu?
She: Aye kya main bolun?
He : Sun
She: Suna
He : Aati kya Khandala?
She: Kya karun aakey main khandala?
He : Ghumenge, phirenge, naachenge, gayenge. aaish karenge aur kya?

Kashmiri:
H: heey, kya chaakh wannan;
S: heev, kya bhe wanneyyyy;
H: booz;
S: wanoo;
H: pakha telle khandala;
S: kya karee weeteth bhe khandala;
H: pherevhey,nachevhey,geevevhey,khevevhey,eesh karav,beyy kya??

Bengali:

H: ei ki bolis tui;
S: ei ki ar boli;
H: son;
S: sona;
H: jabi ki khandala??
S: ki kori giye khandala;
H: are, ghurbo phirbo nachbo gaibo maja korbo ar ki;

Marathi:

H: Aye kay tu mhantes?;
S: aye kay me mhanhu?
H: aik;
S: aikav;
H: yetes ka khandala?;
S: kay karu yevon me khandala?;
H: bhatkuya, phiruya, gavuya, nachuya, aish karuya. aankhen kay?

Telugu:

H: Aye,yemantaavu?
S: Aye, Yem cheppaali?
H: Vinu,
S: Cheppu;
H: Vastaava Khandala??
S: Yem Cheddam velli manam Khandala?
H: Thirugudaam, Aadudhaam, Paadudaam, Ganthulu Yeddaam Inkemi?

Punjabi:

H: a ke boldi tu;
S: a ke mein bolan;
H: sunh;
S: sunha;
H: aande aein khandala;
S: ke karain ae ke mein khandala;

Kannada:

H: Aye, Yenanti Nee?
S: Aye, Naanu Yenu Anali?
H: Kelu,
S: Helu;
H: Barteeya Khandala?
S: Yenu Maadali Naa bandu Khandala?
H: Thirugona, Kuniyona, Hadona, Aadona, Majaa Madona... Innenu?

Sindhi:

H: Aye cha ti chaven?
S: aye cha maan chavan?
H: budh;
S: buhay;
H: achiti cha khandala?
S: cha kayan achi maan khandala?
H: ghumandasi, phirandasi, gayendasi, aaish kandasi, byo cha?

Gujarati:

H: Aye su bole tu?
S: aye hun su bolu?
H: sambhad;
S: sambhdav
H: aavechey ke khandala?
S: su karu aavene khandala?
H: ghumsu, pharsu, khavsu,peevsu, aaish karsu. beeju su?

Kannada:

H: Aye, Yenanti Nee?
S: Aye, Naanu Yenu Anali?
H: Kelu,
S: Helu;
H: Barteeya Khandala?
S: Yenu Maadali Naa bandu Khandala?
H: Thirugona, Kuniyona, Hadona, Aadona, Majaa Madona... Innenu?

Magadhi:

H: A ki bolahin too,
S: A kya boliyuow hum,
H: Sun
S: sunaow
H: Aaimahi ki khandala;
S: Ki kariaow aake hum khandala;
H: Gumbai Phirbai aish karbai aur ki,

English:

H: Aye what do you say?
S: Aye what should I say?
H: Listen.
S: Tell.
H: Coming kya khandala?
S: What do I do coming to khandala?
H: We'll roam, we'll sing we'll dance we'll do aish. what else?

Second opinion

A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table.

The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends.

He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.

Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"? She says, "I was in bed". "In bed this late in the day, doing what"?

"I was getting a second opinion" she replied

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To exercise or not to excercise dilema

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

4. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

5. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

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Gynaecologist's change of profession

A gynaecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine a part perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

---

Intel inside

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support: "What does it say?"

Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside.

Call center jokes

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."

Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Always 1st

Economy tips

Son: Dad, would you like to save some money?

Dad: I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?

Son: Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

Cool music

Q: How do you make cool music?

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A: Put your CDs in the fridge!!!

Clever Burglar

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"

Wedding dress code

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Life after death

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"

"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.

"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

A symptom of overtime work

BPO influence on maids

Yet another weather forecasting technique

Software Engineer's Holi Celebration

Visit to Doctor

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied. book

In the shapes point of view

Bible Study

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we'll talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went." book casino

Nature's sense of humour

An Engineer & A Frog

An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll become your girlfriend."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

The frog spoke again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll become your wife."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog said, "What is the matter? I'm a beautiful princess. Why won`t you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Three years of marriage

People often enjoy joking about love and marriage.

Here is a joke about the first three years of marriage.

• In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
• In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens.
• In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

The three restaurants on the same street

There were three restauraunts on the same street. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."

The next day, the largest restaurant on the street put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Street."

Wrong number

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

Gender confusion

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Nothing Sir

Principal: "I've had complaints about you, Ragu, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?"

Ragu: "Nothing, sir."

Principal: "Exactly!"

Why are you late?

A: Why are you late?

B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

B: No, I was standing on it.

A perfect son

A: I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Pay off the Tractor

A farmer had three sons. One day, his oldest son came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn, pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle. "Well," the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter."Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike. The father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing its rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that."The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!"

Why do you cry?

Two short men were sitting inside a hospital.

First short man was crying loudly.

Second short man asked "Why" ?

First short man: They will cut my finger for medical blood test.

Hearing this second short man started crying even louder.

First short man asked "Why" ?

Second short man: I have come for my urine test.

Girls=Evil (Logical Maths)

Wake up note

Sri. and his wife Smt. were angry with each other and were not talking to each other.

Sri. left a note on Smt's bedside table, that said: "Dear Wife! Awake me at 5 am tomorrow."

Next morning, Sri. awoke at 8 am and saw a note on his bedside table: "Dear Husband It's 5 O' Clock, get up.

Fitness in mind not in action

Why not postwoman?

Q We have only Postmen, but no Postwomen, why?

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A Because, they take 9 months for delivery.

Practical Meeting

Story of grey hair

School Kid: Why are some of your hair white mom?

Mom: Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hair turns white.

Smart Kid thought for a moment, and then said, "Mamma, how come *all* of grandma’s hair are white?”

Recycling as usual

Lottery winner

An innocent man buys a ticket for Rs 100 and wins the lottery of 1 crore. He goes to claim it.

Innocent Man: I want Rs 1 crore.

Lottery Agent: We give you 10 lakh today. The rest amount will be paid in next 6 months.

Innocent Man: Oh, no! I want all my money right now. If you don't do it today, then I want my Rs 100 back.

My Dog

Teacher to Student: Kid, your essay on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy from him?

Student: No, teacher, it's about the same dog!

Hot n Cold coffee

A Funny man & his wife go to a coffee house. Funny man buys 2 cups of coffee.

Funny Man: Drink quickly... drink quickly... before it gets cold.

Wife: But why...

Funny Man: They charge Rs. 50 for hot coffee and Rs 100 for cold coffee.

See an owl

Angry Boss: Have you ever seen an owl?

Employee: (looking down) No Sir...

Boss: Don't look down. Look at me.

Why are you late?

A Very Funny beautiful girl was a college student.

Once Very Funny Girl comes late to class.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Very Funny Girl : One boy was following me, sir.

Teacher: So, What?

Very Funny Girl : That boy was walking very slow.

Body ache

Bholaji goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I ache all over. Every where I touch it hurts."

The doc says "Ok, touch your elbow."
Bholaji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doc, surprised,says "touch your head."
Bholaji touches his head and jumps in agony.

The doc asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Every where Bholaji touches it hurts like hell.

The doc is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays etc... and tells Bhola to come back after two days.

Two days later Bhola comes back and the doctor says, "We've found your problem..."

"Oh yeah? what is it ?"

'You've broken your finger!'

Pick your face daily

Humour for our thought

Borderless India (Print)

Fish Fight

Tummy Before and After

You see what they see..

Smart Honest Boy

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Puja shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a Rs20 bill in it. Now there are twenty Rs1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward.

A Broadway Show

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a leak in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.

He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with plant, and since nobody was watching, so he decided to take a leak right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"

IT jokes: Hindu Gods

The Information Technology Pantheon:
        =======================================
       Narada      : Data Transfer
       Brihaspati  : Chief Information Officer
       Chitragupta : Personnel Records
       Yama        : Reorganization Consultant
       Brahma      : Systems installation
       Vishnu      : Tech support
       Shiva       : Power surge
       Ram         : Hardware Support
       Apsaras     : Downloadable Virus
       Devas       : Programmers
       Surya       : UNIX System Admin
       Lakshmi     : Mgr - Trading Systems
       Krishna     : Chief Technology Consultant
       Rakshasas   : In House Hackers
       =======================================

Politician's Application Form

Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Name of Candidate : _______________________ 2. Present Address (i) Name of Jail : _______________________ (ii) Cell Number : _______________________ 3. Political Party : _______________________ (List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological (Order) 4. Sex: [ ] A - Male B - Female C - Mayawati 5. Nationality: [ ] A - Italian B - Indian 6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more) A - Defected B - Expelled C - Bought out D - None of above E - All of above 7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more) A - To make money B - To escape court trial C - To grossly misuse power D - To serve the public E - I have no clue (if you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized Government Psychiatrist) 8. How many years of public service experience do you possess? A - 1-2 yrs B - 2-6yrs C - 6-15yrs D - 15+yrs 9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many Additional Sheets as you want) 10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ] (Do not confuse with question 8) A - 1-2 years B - 2-6 years C - 6-15 years D - 15+years 11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ] A - Why not B - Of Course C - Definitely D - I deny it all E - I see a foreign hand. 12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ] A - 100-500 Crores B - 500-1000 Crores C - Overflow... (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees) 13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ] A - No B - No C - No D - No 14. Describe your achievements in space provided: [_________] Thumb Impression of candidate (Not that of the person who filled the form)

Memory Loss

An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them. They see the doctor and tell him about the memory problems they've been having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" asks his wife. "To the kitchen," he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks. "Sure," he says. She says, "Maybe you should write it down so you'll remember." "I'll remember," he says "Well, I would also like some strawberries on top," she says. "You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget." "I can remember that," he says, as he begins to loose his patience. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I would also like whip cream on top," she adds, "I know you will forget that so you better write it down." Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down! I will remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to get the food. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

A salaesman's story

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting.

Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and

Third, our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic,
I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

Do You Speak Euro Language

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a ten-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.In the third year, publik akseptanse! of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, all will agree that the horrible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place.

Problem Child

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?""Yes," the boy's mother answered."And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked."Who cares?" the mother replied.

Sample Pic: What happens when a wife is upset!

Do you drink?

"Do you drink?" the girl's father inquired of his prospective son-in-law."

"First tell me whether it is a question or an invitation" asked son-in-law.

Moscow capital of China

A girl was yelling in the Church after the Chapel: "Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!"

The priest inquired: "Why must you pray so, my child?"

Girl: "That's what I've written in my answer sheet in the examination!"

Email Panic

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.Meanwhile..... somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Reached Safely

Date: 21 st July, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I've just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was .........

What a Dog and a Cat thinks

A dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be Gods!"

A cat thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a God!"

Answering Machine

Answering Machine:

Hi. This is John:

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Begger (&) Dog

Cool Russians

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Troublesome interference

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Boys never change

Boys will always be boys and never change

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What keeps men busy

Do you know what keeps men busy at work. Here is the picture which will reveal the secret

Sleep Scale

Q:) Why did the A Man sleep with a scale?

A:) Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept……..

Password ****

A man was drawing money from ATM,The man behind him in the line said, “Ha! Ha! Haaa! I’ve seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). ”The first A man replies, “Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258″

Please Recharge

A man: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me.I don’t know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says “please recharge your card”

Advice before marriage

#CASE 1:

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

#CASE 2:

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

#CASE 3:

Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.

#CASE 4:

Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.

#CASE 5:

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

#CASE 6:

Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad : "That happens in most countries son."

#CASE 7:

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."

#CASE 8:

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes

#CASE 9:

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?

#CASE 10:

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

#CASE 11:

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

#CASE 12:

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

#CASE 13:

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.

#CASE 14:

A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire.""And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A Billionaire."

Monkey's Then & Now

Then

Now

Who is the custodian?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied... "Your Honor, when I put a coin in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Painful Memories

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee."What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?""Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"" I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today!"

The Biggest Lie

Two boys were arguing in class when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher."When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Poor actor

A poor actor was having trouble paying his rent. One morning his landlady caught him in front of the building and demanded her money."Couldn't you please give me a break?" begged the actor."You know, one day people will pass by this building, point up, and say 'One of the greatest actors of our generation used to live here'."

"If you don't pay up," said the landlady, "they could be saying that tomorrow."

Man's Life

God Created the Donkey and said to him: “You will be a donkey, you will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back, you will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years.” The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20years." ...... God granted his wish.

God created the Dog and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30years. You will be a dog." The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30years is too much, give me only15 years.” ..... God granted his wish.

God created the Monkey and said to him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years." The monkey answered: "To live 20years is too much, give me only 10years.".... God granted his wish.

God created the Man and said to him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little,give me the 30years that the donkey refused, the 15years that the dog did not want and the 10years the money refused.” ..... God granted man's wish

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man , marries and spends30 years like a donkey,working and carrying all the burdens on his back.Then when his children are grown,he lives 15years like a dog taking care of the houseand eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old,he can retire and live 10years like a monkey,going from house to house and from one son ordaughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life.

What to name it?

Indian guy named "Anantharaman Subbaraman" arrived at the New york airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hrs for the authorities to call his name, he got fed up and went to them and asked why they haven't called his name yet.

They said that they have been calling him for last 2 hrs as 'Anotherman Superman'

Miracle Doctor

Doctor Sam was known for his extraordinary treatment of arthritis. One day he had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.

When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes, walking completely erect with her head held high.A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this, rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did thatdoctor do?"

"He gave me a longer cane."